Drowning In Motherhood

What a few days…months, I’ve had as a Mom. Right now, today (as I write this) I was not a nice Mom. I wasn’t a nice person, period, to those in my house. I was being followed by the children AND the dog, and hardly a moment to breath on my own, let alone BE alone for a nanosecond. And it got to me. It worked that last nerve we Mom’s try desperately to hang onto.

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When that last nerve just snaps

I’m not proud of myself, or my behavior. I put myself in time-out. I should have done it sooner, because I had no right to be a butt-head to those I love the most. When I came out from that time alone, my daughter was having a hard time relaxing for bed. So I took a deep breath and opened my arms. She flew into my arms, and chatted away, eyes engaged with mine for awhile. She was hungry, wanted to sit in my lap and read a book together.

 

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Humble Pie Time, Thanks to my daughter

So we did that. Through the raging headache, foul frazzled temper and all…I searched for those precious moments, and they were there. Her sweetness, her smile, her willingness to smother me in hugs and kisses, and snuggles. Her desire to share her thoughts and questions with me…y’all…talk about pouring salt on a wounded heart…I didn’t deserve her sweetness and affection, with how I’d treated her and her brother today.

And then, after she went to bed, I read this article. Towards the end, she says, “God didn’t give us children to punish us, but to bless us.” Yeah…ouch…after today.

I’m a Parent Narcissist

I’ve been having way too many ‘bad days’ lately, focusing mainly on how the children interrupt MY TIME…MY FOCUS…MY MY MY MY…ME me me me…sigh…that blogger is right, I’m full fledged a Parent Narcissist. I’m a selfish parent, from a generation of parents who don’t yet seem to realize the selfish focus of our lives.

I know y’all will say I’m being to hard on myself, or on my peers. But hang on for a second…let me tell you something. This might hurt, because it sure as rain hurts me to know this.

The Ugly Reality

But what RIGHT do I have to treat my children like burdens? What right do I have to ‘suffer’ their existence, persistence and presence in my life? What right do I have to make my children think, for even a second, that they are second rate, second place, or second to anything? What right do I have to treat my wonderful blessings as less than the blessings they truly are?

Oh sure, I know…raising young children is rough, I should be kind to myself. I should give myself grace, yadda yadda yadda…wellllllll…Maybe.

To often are we as parents given this out, of being kind to ourselves, when really, the dialog should be The job is hard, The path is rough, so suck it up, and enjoy the ride. SEARCH every day for ONE thing to be blessed by, and then be thankful for the wild adventure of parenting.

Do we expect parenting to be easy, or carefree? Have we seen too many sitcoms that show parenting as absentee, carefree?! Have we allowed our ideas of parenting to be taken from Hollywood?

Because when YHVH’s word speaks of parenting, it uses words like diligence, discipline, teach them all day long and in all ways and times, led the child in the way they should go, teach them the commands of YHVH and to obey them, and so forth. Sure doesn’t sound like ‘let the child lead’ now does it? Doesn’t sound like we parents should be whining and thinking our children can successfully raise themselves, right?

Let’s drop the bad behavior

So I guess this is me, scolding myself here, to drop the selfishness, the absenteeism, the frustration at being interrupted, and instead LEAD my children in the way they should go…following YHVH’s commands and obeying them myself, teaching them daily, and all day long.

This post really hurts, to share. Who really wants to reveal their bad parenting behavior? At least in a way that opens them up to criticism. Who does that? I suppose I do, since here it is.

I hope I’m not alone in this, and yet…I hope I am. Because this is not what I picture godly parenting to look like…and yet it’s hard to break habits, it’s hard to kick the selfish side to the curb. But do this, I must.

 

How about you…where do you stand? Are you willing to be as honest as I’ve been, at least with yourself? I’m calling you out! Tell me, or not, but it might be time to evaluate yourself, and see if some personal house cleaning isn’t in order!

Shalom , friends!

 

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