Casting The First Stone

I don’t want to tell this story. I don’t want you to think I’m a liar. Or a hypocrite. Here I am, talking about biblical marriage, and seeking to walk in a Christ centered relationship with my husband…and I’m a hypocrite

But I feel this tug, this gentle yanking on my heart to share this. To finally share, and place it at His feet. To chip off my shame, and let Him heal the part of our marriage that I try to hide.
You see…when my husband and I met, he was married. I wish I could sit here and tell you all the circumstances in his past relationship, to make myself look better. But I can’t. I won’t.
I did the un-thinkable…the thing which many women hate. 
I stepped between a man and his wife. To this day I feel such shame, and anguish over this. I KNOW what I stepped into…and that makes it tougher for me. I have been holding onto the shame and guilt since…sometimes I wonder if Michaels death is His punishment for this action. Though I know that God doesn’t work that way…it’s hard not to think it.
I feel very strongly about marriage, even before my own, I knew what I wasn’t going to do…yet I did it.
I was ‘the other women‘ The woman scorned and shamed among other women. The one looked down on, and despised. The one left out and banished..I am her.
I feel like all my striving today in my marriage is to make up for the one I ruined. I get scared sometimes, that my husband will walk away from me. Why not, he did it with me? Those insidious whispers lie into my ears.
I’ve had ladies tune me out, the minute they hear about this…any advice I give is instantly not acceptable, or valid. But you see, I know what ‘she’ feels…the shame and sorrow that separates her from regular married women. Something about my story makes me ill equipt to speak about marriage, to their way of thinking.
But don’t you SEE?!
I did it ALL wrong…and I can see now WHY it should be done HIS way…and not lead by the lusts of flesh, and the sins of immorality. I long to share with you, why I think that one should wait until our Abba brings our right partner into our lives. I wish I could tell you why I strive and seek to be the godly wife He calls me to be. Because I did it WRONG. And now I want to it RIGHT.
I want to tell you my story…but I fear to lose your friendship. My heart yearns for truth, and the ability to speak out. To speak with knowledge of the ‘dark side’. But I fear you’ll shut me out. Don’t you see, that I can speak from a place of knowledge, of the rocky path that leads to sinning, and lusts of the heart? I’ve been there, I know what those innocent flirtations, and intimate settings can lead too. Don’t you know, that I long to help YOU live in a Godly, righteous marriage, so that what I did, can’t be done to your relationship?!
Believe me when I say, no one judges me in this, harsher than I judge myself. I’ve held onto this judgment so tightly, and for so long, that I don’t know where to let go first…I don’t know from where it needs prying loose first.
My soul longs for peace and healing, but my mind and heart tell me I’m not worthy of it. I hear such ugly taunts in my head.
Shameful woman.
Ugly. 
Evil. 
Not redeemable. 
Liar. 
Unforgiveable. 
I want someone to come up to me, and hold me. Telling me I’m lovable anyways. That I’m worthy, anyways. That I’m worth saving, in spite of this.
And He has. Many times. Though I haven’t believed it. I LONG to believe it…but those whispers again…
Oh Abba…my heart is breaking right now. I’m so ashamed and I’ve held this for so long… I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to let go. Please help me…I’m so tired of this burden. This lie…This shame. Take it from me…help me to let go.
 
Amen 


To be continued...{Click here for the second part}

Linked up at:
 

Advertisements

12 comments

  1. Ah my sweet, sweet Peggy. It's so important that you accept forgiveness, God's and your own. It is desperately important that you realize sin is sin is sin is sin and God's forgiveness knows no bounds! Be free my sweet sister! Your pain will be other women's gain now. Let it go, God forgave you, He doesn't even remember it, He has no idea what you are even talking about. Stop letting the devil whisper in your ear, scream back! "I AM REDEEMED!!" You are loved!!

  2. Peggy, you know I LOVE you. And yes, ma'am, you are forgiven, redeemed forevermore! I love this verse for fighting those lying thoughts: We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 – one of the verses we memorized in our Unglued Bible study.

  3. Peggy,He has forgiven you, and now you need to walk in that forgiveness. If others hold it against you, pray for them and release it into His hands. You have messed up, but then haven't we all. We may not all be the other woman, but in Gods eyes a sin is a sin. My Pastor was talking yesterday about the Samaritan Woman at the Well and how Jesus was able to meet her right where she was, treat her with respect, and offer her a better life. This shows us how we as Christians need to meet people where they are and treat them with respect. But in the end, my Pastor said that this was His story. He then shared how He was the kid from the wrong side of the tracks and how Jesus met Him and changed his life. The entire time He was talking, I couldn't help but think that this is ALL of our stories. Jesus meets us, loves us, gives us respect and honor and then confronts our sins and changes us to be different. Think about it, from the woman at the well, many came to know Jesus. From your story, you can also lead many to Him and His teachings.

  4. Deanna, Thank you. Our stories are what He uses to encourage others, and ourselves. Just have to get to the point of being able to fully release it to God and let Him heal ❤

  5. […] Writing the post on our adulterous beginnings, broke me. It was a ripping off of a festering wound. It was needed. We didn’t act like believers, we didn’t walk with integrity. We chose sinning over listening to Him. But He is a God of mercy and grace, one who loves His children, even when they stray from Him. I know that He will continue to work in us, and bless us. Showing us never-ending grace, and love. Reminding us that He gave His life, for these sins. He saw us, in our sin, from afar…and took it upon Himself. To redeem us. To sanctify us. To wash us in His blood, so we would be clean again. I also know that to truly heal, the sin needed to be exposed to light. No more hiding, no more opportunity for those quiet whispers of guilt, or allowing myself to be my own personal battering ram. No more. It is time to accept that I’ve been forgiven, that our lives have been redeemed. It is time to completely rest in the peace of my Abba, and allow His truth, His love, His wisdom to sooth my soul, to heal the pain, and the guilt. To banish forever those words of condemnation. I’m not perfect, I have made mistakes, and continue to do so. But my story isn’t defined by those mistakes. I’M not defined by those mistakes. I am a work in progress, I am a child of God, I am fighting against my fleshly desires daily, to cling to my Savior and hold onto His words of grace and mercy. He tells me that I am beautiful, perfectly able to do what He’s called me to do. He holds my pain in His hand, and takes it far from me, giving me His unending peace instead. He wipes away the tears and shame, and pulls me up from the deep dark, to stand by His side in the warm sunshine. I will choose to take my steps according to His direction, according to His purpose. Everything I have gone through, is changing me into the woman He has made, and it is good, in His eyes. Nothing I’ve done is a surprise to Him, nor is it something that He cannot make good and use for good. Today, I walk in the sun, letting it lift my too-long-laden spirits. Allowing Him to shine His love down on me.  Linked up at: […]

  6. Oh Peggy can we just hug?
    I think we kind of need each other.
    See my husband, well, i almost lost him to another woman. And after all these years and all the healing in the meantime, there is just so much forgiveness. For him. For the broken state of our relationship at the time. For that girl who was just as lost as i was. Peggy, from the corner of the first woman, i forgive you. Thinking about that brings tears. And i accept you as a redeemed wife. We’re on the same team and its all ok, because its all already been paid for and we’re all equal in our need for a savior.
    Thank you for sharing this. I found healing in that!

    • Heather,
      Oh, you have no idea how much I needed your comment this morning. Thank for your kind loving words…and for the long-distance hug. I praise God for the restoration and forgiveness in your marriage, it’s a beautiful, not of this world, gift. He is truly the God of all things, and loves to prove what seems impossible, possible.
      Thank you…thank you. ❤

      Peggy

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s