Sometimes I wonder how far Michael’s story has reached. Whose lives have been changed because he lived just 5 short months here with us. How far does his story reach into the cyber world, and into the hearts of those who know it?
I remember thinking that I wanted him to be remembered. To be valued. To have a reason to be here.
What was that reason?
Will I ever fully know it?
Why was he chosen for us, what purpose was there for him to be our child?
So many questions, and frankly…not many answers. I won’t really know how far his life and story has reached. I won’t know the full reason he came here, to our family, for us. I can only just ask myself, what can I learn from that? What I can I give to others, to my children(his siblings), to my husband?
More questions. But death and surviving always bring questions, lots of them. Many that burn in the gut, for many months. Questions poured out in tears and sobs. Questions screamed to the heavens. Always seeking an answer. What I wouldn’t give to know the answer to mine. I’m sure you’d like to know the answer to yours as well. But sometimes in the quiet non response from Him…you do get an answer. A quieting of the soul, the hearts heavy burden of pain is eased, the mind is able to function like before.
But you still hold that scar. Today as I held my son, and listened to him babble in toddler speak, a little frisson of grief clinched…then released. A moment filled with all the regrets and grief, experienced and released. I wouldn’t hear my first born’s toddler voice. Today, I played on the floor with both of the kids. Jeremiah running around yelling and laughing, Molly watching and smiling. Another little frisson of grief. Another moment experienced and released. I won’t have all of my kids to sit and watch.
These moments will never stop, and they ebb and flow as the seasons pass. Our lives have been changed in ways we’re still learning about. Life is still lived. It’s savored now, like a longed for holiday dinner with long lost family; everyone lingers at the table, so they don’t miss the company. Or that bottle of wine you’ve kept for a special day and realize that today, right now, is a special day. Life is what God makes of it, and I am
just along for the ride trusting Him to explain when necessary, give peace to my troubled heart, wisdom to guide my children with and grace to live as His child.
Today, I’m praying for you. If you’ve lost a child, or a loved one, please know. God is with you. God will hold you and give you comfort unlike anyone else. I am praying for you.