When I finally went to a grief program at my church, called, Grief Share, I was confronted with others grief journeys that resembled my own in so many ways. I had assumed that some losses hurt more than others. And maybe thats so, but who was I to judge at that time? In those groups I saw the pain, and anger others were feeling at the loss in their life. The guilt. The woulda-coulda-shoulda’s all abounded. The tears, the laughter and then feeling guilty about it.
We had all lost someone. Someone we loved very much and wanted to stay with us. Though our losses ranged from Michaels young age, to an elderly women who’d lived a long life…we all felt the missing link in our families, in our lives.
And oh the questions, the anger, the fear, the grief in that room was noticeable right off.
Why right now?
Wasn’t he/she a good person?
Didn’t they deserve to grow up, get married, hold their grandchildren, see that game they saved so much for?
On and on the questions went.
Usually with no answer. And thats the kicker.
No reason why. No voice from on High speaking and answering our particular whys.
I have come to accept that my questions, (some of them) will not be answered this side of Heaven. Or…at least with answers ‘I’ wanted to know. I can’t forget to tell you that He has answered my questions. Some of them are, Trust Me. Others, Remember that I Am. And, I am faithful to complete it. These answers are enough for me, but not others. And I have to admit that sometimes I’ve questioned these answers. Asked Him why I couldn’t know the ‘Why’?
But the plain truth is this:
I have to accept Michaels passing. My Dad’s passing. I have to accept it on several levels. Physically, they will NOT come back to this earth. Mentally, I can NOT lean on my own understanding, or questioning or feelings, so I must accept what I know is true in His Word about life, trials, and after death. Spiritually, I TRUST Gods Word. All of it. In professing so, I have to choose to believe that there is good in these losses. That although I hurt. Although I’m angry. Although I’m missing them. I. Choose. Too. Trust. In. What. I. Know. About. God’s. Character.
Shortly after Mickey’s death, I met with a woman a few times. A woman who’d lost her own son, and was a mentor of sorts to others who’d lost children. Something she said once has stuck with me so much, and made me realize that acceptance was a huge part of the healing process. She said, “I cannot accept my son’s death.” Looking back, I wish I could ask her more questions about this. Like why not? What can’t you accept? Instead I nodded and said I understood. Because I did. Then. I believe God used that statement to bring awareness to my heart and mind, that I needed to open my eyes to His truth. His healing. His peace.
How can you have peace, if you don’t choose acceptance and trust in the God you profess to believe in? In my limited knowledge, I don’t see how that is possible. Maybe I’m wrong. But for myself, it was/is true.
It’s a daily choice to accept His peace, instead of hugs, laughter, new memories.
It’s a daily choice to accept His truth, instead of the anger, grief, woulda-coulda-shouldas.
It’s a daily choice to accept Him, instead of my son and Dad.
I’m not perfect by any means, and some days I don’t choose Him. I choose instead the grief, the longing, the pain. Those days are less and less as time goes by. But they are still there. Still pop up in my life. I’m sure they will until I pass on, and get my promotion. Until then, though. I am to trust Him, and try to choose Him more than grief. Him more than anger.
I do know that as a believer, I have a hope of seeing my loved ones again. And that can be a balm to a weary soul. I truly don’t know how I’d be if I didn’t have this assurance from God and my faith. I’m sure I’d still be angry, full of pain, unable to live life such as I have now. But one can never really know the ‘how’ of their life in those situations until you’re IN that moment.
Be blessed, and God’s grace to you.
Everlasting God, By Lincoln Brewster.
I love this song, and it’s a good reminder of God’s character, His faithfulness, His peace. Please play it, and enjoy!
Other resources on Choice:
A.W. Tozer Devotional on Choosing