I’ve noticed that as I am continuing to be faithful to pray for my family, read my Bible, and study His word, things are getting rougher for my son. He is enjoying the praying, and reading as well, but his nightmares are back…and last night was horrid.
Never have I known the closeness of Christ and God, since being a Mom, and raising these children to know Him. The closer I reach, the more we seem to encounter roadblocks, and shortness of temper. We also get lost in the busy things.
Right now…I’m thanking God for the rough days and nights, because although they reduce me to tears many times, I know the comfort of my King and God, and that somewhere, in the messy actions of being a sinful believer, I’m doing something right.
So I’ll continue to amp up my walk with God, growing in learning of Him, and teaching my children what I can.
Many times, I’m lost when they cry…but I know the Lord knows what their needs are. Eventually, I’ll land on it myself, and things will be easier.
Right now…we’re all on short fuses, and the tears are quick to happen. Today, I think I’ll pray for sleep and rest for us all.
My prayer life has been changing the last few weeks. I’m more ready to just pray, instead of thinking about praying, saying I’ll pray, or wishing I would pray more often. I’m a guilty Christian, who says she’ll pray, but most of the time doesn’t. I think. I think to God…but that’s not really the same…I don’t think. (See there I go…thinking.)
But I’ve been making an effort to pray out loud, no matter who is in front of me, beside me, or behind me.
Under this reason, is that I want to have a prayerful life, I want the first thing I do in ANY situation, is stop and pray, giving thanks and praise, or entreating, God. And secondary to that, I want my children to see a mother who put’s God first in any situation, and seeks Him with honesty. They learn best by watching and hearing.
So when I make a mistake, and act bitterly and angrily towards my husband, in front of them…I make sure that I pray, apologize and pray with my Mr. in front of them too.
When I’m anxious about something, and it’s making me short with everyone, or distracted…I make sure to pray about it, and then explain myself, to my children and family.
Belief and faith are things that can be faked in public, but only in the true living of life in the home, do we see what we’re really made of. And I’ve seen lately, that I’m not made of things that are sugar and spice, and everything nice…nor godly. God’s been showing me that this needs to change, and I happen to agree with him. Who wants to live with a cranky, nagging, sharp tongued, bitter, and angry person? I don’t even want to live with me…
The benefits of prayer are endless, so I won’t try to list them here, but I will say that just the effort of praying can seem like a lot. I’ve seen though, that just expressing myself to my Creator, my King, does wonders for the fears, anxiety, anger and worry. It’s becoming a lifeline for me, and I’m thankful that He doesn’t leave me here in this mess for long. Just long enough to learn what I need too. (which, let’s face it…Sometimes IS a long time, sigh)
I had a list of blog post ideas going, with quiet a few great ideas. I haven’t looked at it in weeks, however. So what good does it do? Well, maybe I’ll get around to some of them…right now I’m just writing what comes. Y’all are along for the ride, ;)
Lately I’ve been studying about David, through a precept upon precept course. He was considered a man after God’s own heart, yet he failed and stumbled along the way. He wrote a majority of the Psalm’s, in which you can see his struggles, repentance, praise and zealousness for God Almighty. I love the Psalms. The way they show that we can go to God with ALL of the emotions we’re feeling, without fear of rash judgments, or quick reprisals. Rather, instead, we see a loving God, who answers when we NEED it, guides when we NEED it, and reminds us of who He is when we NEED it. Notice a theme? ;)
When you look at the life of David, he walked through many many trials, questionable actions, and various betrayals. He made some mistakes, yes…but also he choose to act with integrity and godliness more often than not. Reacting with justice, and mercy, showing us how to live as servants of the Lord Most High. Sometimes, to be honest, it doesn’t seem attainable.
In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to remember to act with mercy…when your sinful self wants to take offence and snap back, ripping the head off of someone. When the phrase you utter the most, No, please stop that, isn’t listened too for the 100000th time. When your bitterness threatens to raise up, and choke you…
And whoa…hang on a minute. Sudden realization here for me. I’m bitter. I’m angry. This is why I snap at my husband, when it’s NOT how he intended his words to be taken. This is why I get frustrated to a painful level, when my children disobey me, and don’t act quick enough.
Bitterness. Even acknowledging that I’m bitter, causes a bitterness in my mouth. And a shame in my heart. Oh, how wicked my heart is…
Readers…I need prayer. I have seen the evidence of this bitterness and anger, popping up more and more. I hold things against my family, that I don’t understand why I do…
Psalm 36: 7-9
How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings.
8 They drink their fill of the abundance of Your house;
And You give them to drink of the river of Your delights.
9 For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light.
Lord…God..my Abba…fill me with your lovingkindness, your fountain of life.
It’s been awhile since I’ve felt the desire, or call, to bring up Michael again. Or the grief, the living process…
As much as I love and now adore Fall, with it’s first crisp chill and the first leaves changing their colors, comes the realization of a birthday coming. A birthday in which we don’t have a warm body to celebrate, an occasion to mark with excitement.
*Michael, shortly before his journey to Heaven*
This year...*sigh* My firstborn would be 5. A milemarker. An age of beginnings. An age of change. As I see my second born son and all of his energy, and excitement, I long for them to have known each other, to grow up together, to play, and fight, and tackle and tickle each other. My second born needs an older brother…but in God’s wisdom, that isn’t to be.
Maybe part of my reasons for being off of Facebook also hold this turning of age in their depths. I still remain friends with several mothers whom I met in the birth group of Michael. And while at times, it hurts deeply, to see their children grown, full of life, interests, funny sayings and more…I don’t begrudge them that precious life. I may be left wondering what my own son would have been like, but knowing his contemporaries, and seeing them grow and live; it leaves me with a sense of understanding, a knowledge that life goes on, and his memory is tucked away, safely, in the hearts of more Mom’s than I know.
Sometimes, that’s a cold comfort…to be rather honest. I have moments of anger, that I cannot have him. That I had to give him up too soon. These moments burn hot and quickly, though they do come more often in October, and March.
Grief is an odd thing. I still only feel that I can allow myself to grieve in two months of the year..hiding him away the other ten, and going weeks without speaking his name. Weeks…*sigh* How sad that makes me…that Michael’s name doesn’t grace my lips more often. I try to share him with his brother and sister, but I think I’m just confusing them right now. They deal with the here and right now, not ten minutes ago, let alone ten months or 5 years ago.
I feel very much like a limb is missing, a sense that the family isn’t numbered rightly, that somehow, we’ve forgotten a valuable member of our team. And there’s no way to get him back. No amount of prayer, pleading, crying, grieving, or deal-making, will bring our Michael R. S. back to us.
Most day’s, I’ve been able to allow myself to be content with this. Odd, but yes…content. I choose to be content, to trust in my God. It’s in the moments of deep loss, the darkest hours, that we know what our faith is made of. That we understand that which we say we trust.
In a few months, it will mark 4 years that I’ve said my last goodbye to my Dad. It’s not as easy to write about my feelings of his loss. I was, and am, very much a Daddy’s girl. Loyal, long-suffering, and loved him completely. His loss has a different flavor…because I knew him better, I know what I’m missing. It pops up with more regularity these days, that I longed to see him enjoy doing things with J and Molly. I long to see if he’d have had the special touch with his granddaughter. Or a bond with his grandson that makes me heart sing.
The tears come faster, and burn hotly down my cheeks, when I think of my Daddy. For so many years of my life, he’s been my bulwark, my steady as she goes Dad. I could always trust his opinion on things, and knew I’d get the best answer, even if I didn’t like it. I knew that in him, I’d always have someone in my corner, who’d move heaven and earth, to make sure I was alright. Nothing would hold him back from his daughter, if he was needed…and many times, he didn’t ask. He just did.
I have to admit, that talking about how much my Dad means to me still, leaves me in tears, and with words that cannot come out well…my devotion to him, and the bond we had was very special. We went through a very rough time, when I was growing up, so the good times are very sweet memories…they far outweigh the bad now. We went through fire as a father and daughter, which almost tore us apart. In the end, we had 14 years of a bond and memories and love, that I treasure…and that I long for my children to have with their Daddy.
Both my Dad, and my oldest son, are very special. They hold permanent spots in my heart, and memories. Time may diminish the details, time will fuzzy out the senses…but it cannot erase the love and it cannot erase the change in me, from the marks they’ve left behind.
So as the official start of Fall approaches, I’ll remember the journey of becoming a Mom the first time, the joy and fears of those early days. I’ll celebrate the births of his siblings, and the cozy comforts of change.
*My living children, and my amazing husband*
With the official start of Fall around the corner, I was curious how many books I’d read this Summer. I’ve been keeping up with what books I read, and want to read, on a great site, called GoodReads! I’d set a goal for myself, to read 52 books this year. So far, I’m ahead of things, at 40 books. I’ll just list what I’ve read this Summer!!
Michal (Wives of King David, #1)
Now for my thoughts on this… naturally!
I enjoyed, and would highly recommend, the following books!
Bread & Wine, and Hands Free Mama! These two books are amazing and I’ve already told a few people that they NEEDED to read these. You do too..just saying. I mean, I’m not kidding…lol I also enjoyed The Preacher’s Daughter, Amish fiction.
I don’t have a list of things I plan to read, but I am making a huge effort to read through the almost 700 ebooks on my Kindle. I think I may have a problem…because that doesn’t take into account the actual BOOKS I have waiting me either.
Though I must say, that being OFF of Facebook, has given me more time to read more often. One of the huge pluses, he he!!
I’m currently reading the following books:
Resolutions, by Jenn Faulk
Mended, by Angie Smith
Having A Mary Heart, In A Martha World, by Joanna Weaver (Although I have misplaced this book, and no one’s seen it…so I may not be finishing it anytime soon. ThankYouToddlers!)
Raw Faith, by Kasey Van Norman
So there you have it! I have 20 more books to read this year, we’ll see if I make it! What’s on your reading list? Do you have a book you read at least once a year? I usually do, but honestly, I haven’t read it in a long time!! That would be, Gone With The Wind…or Oh, Kentucky! Those are my two favorites. :)